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Hey, let me ask you something.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Why?

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Why?

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Why?

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Why?

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Why is it that most of the people

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who are against abortion

9
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are people you wouldn't want to fuck

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in the first place, huh?

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Huh?

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Boy these conservatives are really something

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aren't they?

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They're all in favor of the unborn.

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They will do anything for the unborn

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but once you're born you're on your own.

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Pro-life conservatives are obsessed

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with the fetus from conception to nine months.

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After that they don't want to know about you.

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They don't want to hear from you.

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No nothing.

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No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start,

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no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare,

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no nothing.

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If you're pre-born you're fine.

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If you're preschool you're fucked.

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You're fucked.

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Conservatives don't give a shit about you

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until you reach military age.

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Then they think you are just fine.

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Just what they been looking for.

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Conservatives want live babies

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so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

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Pro-life.

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Pro-life.

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These people aren't pro-life

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they're killing doctors.

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What kind of pro-life is that?

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What they'll do anything they can to save a fetus

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but if it grows up to be a doctor

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they just might have to kill it?

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They're not pro-life.

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You know what they are?

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They're anti-woman.

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Simple as it gets.

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anti-woman They don't like them.

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They don't like women.

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They believe a woman's primary role is to

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function as a broodmare for the state.

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Pro-life.

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You don't see many of these

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white anti-abortion women

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volunteering to have any black fetuses

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transplanted into their uteruses do you?

55
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No you don't see them adopting

56
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a whole lot of crack babies do you?

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No that might be something Christ would do.

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And you won't see,

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you won't see a lot of these

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pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene

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and lighting themselves on fire.

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You know morally committed religious people

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in South Vietnam knew how to stage

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a Goddamn demonstration didn't they?

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Huh?

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Hey.

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They knew how to put on a fucking protest.

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Light yourself on fire!

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Come on you moral crusaders

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let's see a little smoke

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to match that fire in your belly.

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Here's another question I have.

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How come when it's us it's an abortion

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and when it's a chicken it's an omelet?

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What?

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Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?

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When did this happen

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that we pass chickens in goodness?

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Name six ways we're better than chickens.

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See nobody can do it.

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You know why?

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Cause chickens are decent people.

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You don't see chickens

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hanging around in drug gangs do you?

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You don't see a chicken

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strapping some guy to a chair

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and hooking up his nuts to a car battery do you?

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When's the last chicken you heard about

89
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came home from work

90
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and beat the shit out of his hen?

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Doesn't happen

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cause chickens are decent people.

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Well let's get back to this abortion shit.

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Now is a fetus a human being?

95
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This seems to be the central question.

96
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Well if a fetus is a human being

97
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how come the census doesn't count them?

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If a fetus is a human being

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how come when there's a miscarriage

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they don't have a funeral.

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If a fetus is a human being

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how come people say we have two children

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and one on the way

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instead of saying we have three children?

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People say life begins at conception,

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I say life began about a billion years ago

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and it's a continuous process.

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Continuous, just keeps rolling along.

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Rolling.

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Rolling.

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Rolling along.

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I said you know something?

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Listen, you can go back further than that.

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What about the carbon atoms?

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Huh?

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Human life could not exist without carbon

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so is it just possible that maybe

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we shouldn't be burning all this coal?

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Just looking for a little consistency here

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in these anti-abortion arguments.

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See the really hardcore people will tell you

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life begins at fertilization.

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Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg,

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which is usually a few moments after the man says,

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"Gee honey I was going to pull out

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but the phone rang and it startled me."

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Fertilization.

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But even after the egg is fertilized it's still

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six or seven days before it reaches the uterus

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and pregnancy begins

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and not every egg makes it that far.

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80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are

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rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month

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during those delightful few days she has.

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They wind up on sanitary napkins

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and yet they are fertilized eggs.

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So basically what these anti-abortion people

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are telling us is that

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any woman who's had more than one period

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is a serial killer.

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Consistency.

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Consistency.

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Hey, hey if they really want to get serious

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what about all the sperm that are wasted

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when the state executes a condemned man

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and one of these pro-life guys

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who's watching comes in his pants huh?

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Here's a guy standing over there

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with his jockey shorts full

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of little Vinnie's and Debbie's

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and nobody's saying a word to the guy.

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Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

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Now

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speaking of consistency

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Catholics, which I was

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until I reached the age of reason,

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Catholics

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Catholics and other Christians

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are against abortions

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and they're against homosexuals.

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Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?

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Leave these fucking people alone

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for Christ sakes.

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Here is an entire class of people

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guaranteed never to have an abortion

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and the Catholics and Christians

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are just tossing them aside.

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You'd think they'd make natural allies.

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Go look for consistency in religion.

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And speaking of my friends, the Catholics,

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when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York

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and some of these other cardinals and bishops

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have experienced their first pregnancies

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and their first labor pains

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and they've raised a couple of children

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on a minimum wage

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then I'll be glad to hear

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what they have to say about abortion.

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I'm sure it will be interesting

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and enlightening too

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but

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but

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in the meantime what they ought to be doing

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is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity

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to keep their hands off the altar boys.

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Keep your hands to yourself Father

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you know?

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When Jesus said,

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"Suffer the little children come onto me,"

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that's not what he was talking about.

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So you know what I tell

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these anti-abortion people?

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I say, Hey,

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hey if you think a fetus

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is more important than a woman

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try getting a fetus to

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wash the shit stains out of your underwear.

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For no pay and no pension.

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I tell them to think of an abortion

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as term limits, that's all it is.

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Biological term limits.

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But you know the longer you listen

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to this abortion debate

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the more you here this phrase sanctity of life.

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You've heard that, sanctity of life.

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You believe in it?

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Personally I think it's a bunch of shit.

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Well I mean life is sacred?

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Who said so?

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God?

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Hey if you read history you realize

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that God is one of the leading causes of death.

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Has been for thousands of years.

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Hindu's, Muslims, Jews, Christians

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all taking turns killing each other

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cause God told them it was a good idea.

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The sword of God, the blood of the Lamb,

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vengeance is my millions of dead motherfuckers.

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Millions of dead motherfuckers

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all because they gave the wrong answer

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to the God question.

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You believe in God?

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No.

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Dead.

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You believe in God?

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Yes.

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You believe in my God?

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No.

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Dead.

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My God has a bigger dick than your God.

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Thousands of years.

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Thousands of years and all the best wars too.

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The bloodiest most brutal wars fought

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all based on religious hatred,

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which is fine with me.

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Hey anytime a bunch of holy people

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want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.

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But don't be giving me all this shit

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about the sanctity of life.

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I mean, even if there were such a thing

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I don't think it's something you can blame on God.

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No you know what the sanctity of life came from?

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We made it up.

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You know why?

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Cause we're alive.

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Self-interest.

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Living people have a strong interest in

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promoting the idea of somehow life is sacred.

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You don't see Abbott and Costello running around

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talking about this shit do you?

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We're not hearing a whole lot

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from Mussolini on the subject.

253
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What's the latest from JFK?

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Not a Goddamn thing

255
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cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello

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are fucking dead.

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They're fucking dead.

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And dead people give less than a shit

259
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about the sanctity of life.

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Only living people care about it

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so the whole thing grows out of

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a completely biased point of view.

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It's a self-serving, man-made bullshit story.

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It's one of these things we tell ourselves

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so we'll feel noble.

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Life is sacred.

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Makes you feel noble.

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But let me ask you this.

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If everything that ever lived is dead

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and everything alive is going to die

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where does the sacred part come in?

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I'm having trouble with that.

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Cause I mean even with this stuff we preach

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about the sanctity of life we don't practice it.

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We don't practice it.

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Look at what we kill.

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Mosquitoes and flies

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cause their pests.

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Lions and tigers

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cause it's fun.

281
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,849
Chickens and pigs

282
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:59,218
cause we're hungry.

283
00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:00,719
Pheasants and quails

284
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,221
cause it's fun

285
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:05,524
and we're hungry.

286
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,759
And people.

287
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,028
We kill people

288
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,864
cause their pests

289
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:15,134
and it's fun.

290
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,508
And you might have noticed something else.

291
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,176
The sanctity of life doesn't seem

292
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,612
to apply to cancer cells does it?

293
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:28,481
You rarely see a bumper sticker that says,

294
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,983
Save the tumors

295
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:34,487
or I break for advanced melanoma.

296
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,257
Nah viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus,

297
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:41,494
weeds, ecoli bacteria, the crabs,

298
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,929
nothing sacred about those things.

299
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:45,931
So at best the sanctity of life

300
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:48,834
is kind of a selective thing.

301
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:51,137
We get to choose which forms of life

302
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,404
we feel are sacred

303
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,240
and we get to kill the rest.

304
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,941
Pretty neat deal huh?

305
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,243
You know how we got it?

306
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:01,013
We made the whole fucking thing up.

307
00:13:01,046 --> 00:13:02,214
Made it up.

308
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,916
The same way

309
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:06,685
Thank you.

310
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,023
The same way we made up the death penalty.

311
00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:11,991
We made them both up.

312
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,059
Sanctity of life and the death penalty

313
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:16,595
aren't we versatile?

314
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,963
And you know in this country

315
00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:19,231
now there are a lot of people

316
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,066
who want to expand the death penalty

317
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,302
to include drug dealers.

318
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:25,304
This is really stupid.

319
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,573
Drug dealers aren't afraid to die.

320
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,141
They're already killing each other every day

321
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,776
on the streets by the hundreds.

322
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,144
Drive-by's, gang shootings,

323
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:33,946
they're not afraid to die.

324
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,281
Death penalty doesn't mean anything

325
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,348
unless you use it on people

326
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,217
who are afraid to die

327
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:43,122
like the bankers who launder the drug money.

328
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,690
The bankers

329
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,158
who launder

330
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,127
the drug money.

331
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,064
Forget the dealers.

332
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:53,465
You want to slow down that drug traffic

333
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:54,633
you got to start executing

334
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,002
a few of these fucking bankers.

335
00:13:57,036 --> 00:14:02,341
White middle class Republican bankers.

336
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,711
And I'm not talking

337
00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:07,279
I'm not talking about

338
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,948
soft American executions

339
00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:10,282
like lethal injection.

340
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:13,953
I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks.

341
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,854
Let's bring back crucifixion,

342
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,189
a form of capital punishment

343
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,624
that Christians and Jews of America

344
00:14:18,657 --> 00:14:21,393
can really appreciate.

345
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:22,661
And I'd go a little further.

346
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,764
I'd crucify people upside down.

347
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,866
Like Saint Peter, feet up head down.

348
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:28,934
And naked.

349
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,569
I'd have naked, upside down crucifixions

350
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,271
on TV once a week at half time

351
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,073
on the Monday night football game.

352
00:14:34,106 --> 00:14:36,942
Monday night.

353
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,919
The Monday night crucifixions.

354
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:48,053
You'd have people tuning in

355
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,623
don't even care about football.

356
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:51,957
Wouldn't you like to hear

357
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,025
Dan Deardorf explain

358
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:57,229
why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?

359
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,497
And I'll guarantee you one thing

360
00:14:58,530 --> 00:14:59,765
you start executing,

361
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,001
you start nailing one white banker per week

362
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:03,836
to a big wooden cross on national TV

363
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,170
you're going to see that drug traffic

364
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,139
begin to slow down pretty fucking quick.

365
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,340
Pretty fucking quick.

366
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:09,675
You won't even be able to buy drugs

367
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:13,646
in schools and prisons anymore.

368
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,614
Now I don't care about capital punishment

369
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,682
one way or another

370
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:18,117
cause I know it doesn't do anything.

371
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:19,885
It doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy

372
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,254
a kind of a biblical need for revenge.

373
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:24,189
You know if you read the bible you see that

374
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:25,958
it's full of retribution and revenge

375
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,526
so really capital punishment

376
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,528
is kind of a religious ritual.

377
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:31,196
It's a purification rite.

378
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:33,132
It's a modern sacrament

379
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:34,300
and as long as that's true

380
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:37,136
I say let's liven it up a little.

381
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:39,104
I honestly believe if you make the death penalty

382
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,239
a little more entertaining

383
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:41,740
and learn to market it correctly

384
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,642
you just might be able to raise enough money

385
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:47,112
to balance the stupid fucking budget.

386
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:50,416
Balance the stupid fucking budget.

387
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,321
And don't forget the polls show

388
00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:57,523
the American people want capital punishment

389
00:15:57,556 --> 00:15:59,158
and they want a balanced budget

390
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,226
and I think even in a fake democracy

391
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:02,361
people ought to get what they want

392
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:03,929
once in a while

393
00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,564
just to feed this illusion

394
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:07,766
that they're really in charge.

395
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,501
Let's use capital punishment the same way

396
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:10,969
we use sports and television

397
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,538
in this country to distract people

398
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:13,872
and take their minds off

399
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:17,009
how bad their being fucked by the upper 1%.

400
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,511
Now unfortunately

401
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:20,879
unfortunately Monday night football

402
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,181
doesn't last long enough.

403
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,282
What we really need

404
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,918
is year round capital punishment

405
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:28,053
on TV every night with sponsors.

406
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:29,321
Got to have sponsors.

407
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:30,656
I'm sure as long we're killing people

408
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:32,458
Marlboro cigarettes and Dow Chemical

409
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,526
would be proud to participate.

410
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,096
Proud to participate.

411
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:40,733
Balance the stupid fucking budget.

412
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,634
And let me say this

413
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,903
to you my interesting Judea Christian friends

414
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,405
not only

415
00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:48,140
not only do I recommend crucifixions

416
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:52,344
I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings.

417
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:54,113
Beheadings on TV,

418
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:55,447
slow motion,

419
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,683
instant replay

420
00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,518
and maybe you could let the heads

421
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,620
roll down a little hill

422
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:06,892
and fall into one of five numbered holes.

423
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,193
Yeah.

424
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:14,133
Let the people at home gamble on which hole

425
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,535
the head is going to fall into.

426
00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:17,736
And you do it in a stadium

427
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,773
so the mob can gamble on it too.

428
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,174
Raise a little more money

429
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,542
and if you want to expand

430
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:24,943
the violence a little longer

431
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,245
to sell a few more commercials

432
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,446
instead of using an axe

433
00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:31,016
you do the beheadings with a hand saw.

434
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,420
Hey don't bail out on me now God damn it.

435
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,921
The blood is already on our hands

436
00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:38,991
all we're talking about is a matter of degree.

437
00:17:39,024 --> 00:17:40,392
You want something a little more delicate?

438
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:43,896
We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.

439
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:44,897
That would be nice.

440
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:48,667
And it would take a good Goddamn long time.

441
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,570
There's a lot of good things we could be doing.

442
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:52,805
When's the last time

443
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:55,040
we burned someone at the stake?

444
00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:59,044
It's been too long.

445
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,612
Here's another form of capital punishment

446
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:03,315
comes out of a nice rich religious tradition,

447
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:05,217
burning people at the stake

448
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,385
sponsor,

449
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:11,290
Bridgeford Charcoal.

450
00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:14,092
And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings.

451
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:15,861
The Sunday Morning Evangelical

452
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:16,995
Send Us An Offering

453
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:20,032
Praise Jesus Human Bonfire.

454
00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:21,934
You don't think that would get big ratings

455
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:24,636
in this sick fucking country?

456
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:25,938
Shit you'd have people

457
00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:28,874
skipping church to watch this stuff.

458
00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:30,375
And you take the money they send in

459
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:32,010
the offerings and you use it [Noise]

460
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,313
to balance the budget.

461
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:37,182
What about boiling people in oil?

462
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:40,719
Boy those were the days, weren't they?

463
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,121
You get the oil going real good, you know?

464
00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:45,557
A nice high rolling boil

465
00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:47,593
and then slowly at the end of a rope

466
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,461
you lower the perpetrator head first

467
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:51,497
into the boiling oil huh?

468
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:56,235
You talk about fun shit.

469
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,470
And just to encourage citizen participation

470
00:18:58,504 --> 00:19:00,272
you let the mob in the stadium

471
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,509
control the speed of the rope.

472
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:06,211
Good clean, wholesome family entertainment.

473
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:07,579
The kids will love it.

474
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:09,248
The kids will love it

475
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,949
and at the same time their enjoying themselves,

476
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,351
we're teaching them

477
00:19:12,384 --> 00:19:14,753
a nice Christian moral lesson.

478
00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:16,321
Oiling people in oil.

479
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:20,259
Sponsor, Crisco.

480
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:22,861
And maybe instead of boiling all these guys

481
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,062
every now and then

482
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,864
you could French fry a couple of them.

483
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,166
French fried felons.

484
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:30,269
Dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know?

485
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:32,804
Kind of a tempura thing huh?

486
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,675
Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit did he?

487
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:40,512
Jeffrey Dahmer eat your heart out,

488
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:43,549
which is an interesting thought in of itself.

489
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:52,024
All right enough nostalgia

490
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,559
what about some modern forms

491
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:54,693
of capitol punishment?

492
00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:56,061
How about we throw a guy

493
00:19:56,094 --> 00:19:57,229
off the World Trade Center

494
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:58,330
and whoever he lands on

495
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:03,368
wins the Publishers Clearing House huh?

496
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,837
Okay something a little more sophisticated;

497
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,539
you dip a guy in brown gravy

498
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:09,508
and lock him in a small room with a wolverine

499
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:12,678
who's high on angel dust.

500
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:13,912
There's one guy that's not going to be

501
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,414
fucking with too many kids

502
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:18,617
at the bus stop for a while huh?

503
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,386
Here's something really nice you could do.

504
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,623
You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult

505
00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:28,927
right into a brick wall.

506
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:31,430
Trouble is it would be over too quick.

507
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:32,831
No good for TV you know,

508
00:20:32,864 --> 00:20:34,199
you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys

509
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,168
right in a row.

510
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,837
Rapid-fire capital punishment.

511
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:41,073
Fifteen catapults while you're shooting off one

512
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:43,508
you're loading up the others.

513
00:20:43,542 --> 00:20:44,743
Of course every now and then

514
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:45,777
you would have to stop

515
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:48,246
to clean off the wall.

516
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:54,586
Cleanliness right next to Godliness.

517
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,121
All right high tech.

518
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:02,828
I sense some of you's are waiting for high tech.

519
00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:03,862
I got it.

520
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:06,965
You take a small tactical nuclear weapon

521
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:12,671
and stick it up a guy's ass.

522
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:16,208
A thermal nuclear suppository.

523
00:21:16,241 --> 00:21:19,444
Preparation-H Bomb.

524
00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:21,446
You talk about fall out huh?

525
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,181
Whoa!

526
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:24,616
Or you take the bomb

527
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:26,351
and you stick it just inside that little hole

528
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:29,187
on the end of a guy's dick you know?

529
00:21:29,221 --> 00:21:29,755
Yeah.

530
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,290
A bomb in a dick.

531
00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:32,858
When it goes off the guy wouldn't know

532
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:35,927
whether he was coming or going.

533
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,462
Get out of here.

534
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:40,399
I got you.

535
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:42,668
Hey

536
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:44,202
listen

537
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,204
Hey

538
00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:49,007
I got a lot of good ideas.

539
00:21:49,041 --> 00:21:51,276
Balance the stupid fucking budget.

540
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,878
Here's another idea.

541
00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:54,179
I'm going to save you

542
00:21:54,212 --> 00:21:55,914
a whole lot of money on prisons

543
00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:57,215
but at the same time

544
00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:59,885
we are still going to remove from society

545
00:21:59,918 --> 00:22:03,388
many of our more un-annoying citizens.

546
00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:07,092
Four groups are going away permanently.

547
00:22:07,125 --> 00:22:09,828
First group violent criminals.

548
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:13,198
Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners.

549
00:22:13,231 --> 00:22:16,535
You take the entire state of Kansas,

550
00:22:16,568 --> 00:22:19,137
you move everybody out.

551
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,706
You give them a couple hundred dollars

552
00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:23,475
for their inconvenience you know?

553
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,877
That'll be fair

554
00:22:25,911 --> 00:22:29,047
and then you move them out,

555
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:31,149
you put a big ten-story electric fence

556
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,318
around Kansas and Kansas becomes

557
00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,053
a permanent prison farm

558
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,521
for violent criminals.

559
00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,490
No parole, no police, no supplies

560
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:39,658
the only thing you give them

561
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:42,027
is lethal weapons and live ammunition

562
00:22:42,060 --> 00:22:43,495
so they can communicate

563
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:46,998
in a meaningful way.

564
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:51,303
Then you put the whole thing on cable TV.

565
00:22:51,336 --> 00:22:55,574
The violence network, VNN

566
00:22:55,607 --> 00:22:57,309
and for a corporate sponsor

567
00:22:57,342 --> 00:22:58,477
you get one of those company's

568
00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:00,812
that loves to smear its logo feces

569
00:23:00,846 --> 00:23:02,347
all over the landscape,

570
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:03,982
Budweiser will jump at this shit

571
00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:06,852
in half a minute.

572
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,286
All right next group,

573
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,821
sex criminals.

574
00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:12,624
Completely incurable you got to lock them up.

575
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:13,992
You could outlaw religion

576
00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:15,360
and most of these sex crimes

577
00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:17,662
would disappear in a couple of generations

578
00:23:17,696 --> 00:23:21,800
but we don't have time for rational solutions.

579
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:25,737
Much easier to fence off another rectangular state.

580
00:23:25,771 --> 00:23:27,539
Rectangular states are cheaper to fence,

581
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:30,642
saves the taxpayers money you know?

582
00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:33,512
This time Wyoming

583
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:36,114
but only for true sex offenders.

584
00:23:36,148 --> 00:23:37,916
We're not going to bother consenting adults

585
00:23:37,949 --> 00:23:39,284
who like to dress up

586
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:40,685
in leather Boy Scout uniforms

587
00:23:40,719 --> 00:23:42,254
and smash each other in the head

588
00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:43,622
with ball-peen hammers

589
00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:46,458
while they take turns blowing their cat.

590
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:49,861
There's certainly nothing wrong with that.

591
00:23:49,895 --> 00:23:52,464
It's a victimless hobby

592
00:23:52,497 --> 00:23:58,136
and think of how good the cat must feel.

593
00:23:58,170 --> 00:23:59,905
No, we're only going to lock up

594
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,407
rapist and molesters,

595
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,443
those hopeless romantics

596
00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:07,112
who are so full of love

597
00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:10,015
they can't help getting a little of it on you.

598
00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:12,350
Usually on your leg.

599
00:24:12,384 --> 00:24:15,987
You take all these heavy breathing fun seekers

600
00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:17,856
and you stick them in Wyoming

601
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:20,792
and you let them suck, fuck and fondle.

602
00:24:20,826 --> 00:24:22,894
You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick, whip,

603
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:25,063
gobble and corn hole each other

604
00:24:25,096 --> 00:24:27,499
until their testicles are whistling

605
00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:30,569
O'Come All Ye Faithful.

606
00:24:39,177 --> 00:24:40,912
Then you turn on the cameras

607
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:44,382
and you got the Sperm Channel

608
00:24:44,416 --> 00:24:46,117
and don't forget our corporate sponsor,

609
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:47,519
we're going to let Budweiser

610
00:24:47,552 --> 00:24:48,653
put little logo patches

611
00:24:48,687 --> 00:24:50,555
on the rapists pants right here,

612
00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:55,694
This Pud's for You.

613
00:24:55,727 --> 00:24:57,929
All right next group,

614
00:24:57,963 --> 00:25:00,131
drug addicts and alcoholics.

615
00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:03,435
Not all of them, don't get nervous,

616
00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:08,540
just the ones who are making life difficult

617
00:25:08,573 --> 00:25:11,409
for at least one other person.

618
00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:13,311
And we're not going to bother first offenders.

619
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,981
People deserve a chance to clean up.

620
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:17,649
Everyone will get

621
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:20,952
twelve chances to clean up.

622
00:25:20,986 --> 00:25:21,953
Okay.

623
00:25:21,987 --> 00:25:22,821
All right.

624
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:24,856
Fifteen, fifteen..

625
00:25:24,890 --> 00:25:26,224
That's fine and that's it.

626
00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:27,692
If you can't make it in fifteen tries

627
00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:31,196
off you go [noise] to Colorado.

628
00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:32,797
Colorado,

629
00:25:32,831 --> 00:25:35,834
a perfect place for staying loaded.

630
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:38,003
Each week all of the illegal drugs

631
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,405
confiscated in the United States

632
00:25:40,438 --> 00:25:41,873
that the police and DEA

633
00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:44,843
don't keep for their own personal use,

634
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:47,846
will be air dropped into Colorado.

635
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,481
And we're going to turn the Coors Brewery

636
00:25:49,514 --> 00:25:51,616
over to the beer drinking assholes

637
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:52,784
and everyone can stay

638
00:25:52,817 --> 00:25:54,886
wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered,

639
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,821
smashed and shit-faced around the clock

640
00:25:56,855 --> 00:25:58,290
on another new cable channel,

641
00:25:58,323 --> 00:25:59,557
Shit Faced Central

642
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:04,663
this is the real Rocky Mountain High!

643
00:26:12,604 --> 00:26:16,875
Okay I've saved my favorite group for last.

644
00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:20,979
The maniacs and crazy people.

645
00:26:21,012 --> 00:26:23,515
Yeah.

646
00:26:23,548 --> 00:26:24,849
The ones who live out

647
00:26:24,883 --> 00:26:28,119
where the buses don't run.

648
00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:31,690
And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people.

649
00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:33,825
A maniac will beat nine people to death

650
00:26:33,858 --> 00:26:36,728
with a steel dildo.

651
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:38,730
A crazy person will beat nine people to death

652
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,765
with a steel dildo but he'll be wearing

653
00:26:40,799 --> 00:26:43,802
a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

654
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,541
So you can't put them all away.

655
00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:51,009
You know you got to keep some of them around

656
00:26:51,042 --> 00:26:53,278
just for the entertainment.

657
00:26:53,311 --> 00:26:54,346
Like a guy who tells you

658
00:26:54,379 --> 00:26:55,613
that the King of Sweden is using his penis

659
00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:58,249
as a radio transmitter

660
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:01,119
to send anti-Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes

661
00:27:01,152 --> 00:27:04,823
to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish.

662
00:27:04,856 --> 00:27:05,957
A guy like that

663
00:27:05,991 --> 00:27:09,594
you want to give him his own radio show.

664
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:11,563
No the maniac farm will be reserved

665
00:27:11,596 --> 00:27:14,099
strictly for hopeless cases

666
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:15,800
like a guy who gets a big tattoo

667
00:27:15,834 --> 00:27:19,904
on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit.

668
00:27:19,938 --> 00:27:20,905
You know?

669
00:27:20,939 --> 00:27:22,674
And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way

670
00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:26,177
it looks like she's wiping her ass you know?

671
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:31,549
A guy like that you want to get him into custody

672
00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:35,587
as quickly as possible.

673
00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:37,322
Now for the maniac farm

674
00:27:37,355 --> 00:27:38,657
I think there's no question

675
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:41,126
we got to go with Utah.

676
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,928
Utah, easy to fence, easy to fence,

677
00:27:43,962 --> 00:27:45,797
right next to Wyoming and Colorado

678
00:27:45,830 --> 00:27:47,866
and Colorado is right next Kansas

679
00:27:47,899 --> 00:27:50,568
and that means all four groups

680
00:27:50,602 --> 00:27:53,204
of our most amusing citizens

681
00:27:53,238 --> 00:27:55,640
are now in one place

682
00:27:55,673 --> 00:27:57,675
except for the big fences

683
00:27:57,709 --> 00:27:59,310
and I think I have another one

684
00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:02,914
of my really good ideas for cable TV.

685
00:28:02,947 --> 00:28:04,816
Gates.

686
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:08,119
Small sliding gates in the fences.

687
00:28:08,153 --> 00:28:09,387
Think of what you got here.

688
00:28:09,421 --> 00:28:10,755
Think of what you've got.

689
00:28:10,789 --> 00:28:12,390
Predators, degenerates,

690
00:28:12,424 --> 00:28:15,360
crack heads and fruitcakes.

691
00:28:15,393 --> 00:28:17,595
Nine hundred miles of fence separating them.

692
00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:21,399
Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate

693
00:28:21,433 --> 00:28:24,702
but the gates are only ten inches wide

694
00:28:24,736 --> 00:28:27,205
and there only open once a month

695
00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:30,675
for seven seconds.

696
00:28:30,708 --> 00:28:31,776
And you know something

697
00:28:31,810 --> 00:28:32,844
fuck cable

698
00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:36,614
this shit has got to be on pay-per-view.

699
00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:43,121
Because if those gates are only open

700
00:28:43,154 --> 00:28:44,889
seven seconds a month

701
00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,257
you are going to have

702
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:48,293
some mighty interesting people

703
00:28:48,326 --> 00:28:51,963
pushing and shoving to be first on line.

704
00:28:51,996 --> 00:28:53,498
Deeply disturbed,

705
00:28:53,531 --> 00:28:55,733
armed, cranky lunatics

706
00:28:55,767 --> 00:28:57,635
on drugs.

707
00:28:57,669 --> 00:28:58,970
You know the ones.

708
00:28:59,003 --> 00:29:00,905
A lot of tattoos,

709
00:29:00,939 --> 00:29:04,375
lot of teeth broken off at the gum line,

710
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,278
the true face of America

711
00:29:07,312 --> 00:29:08,980
and every time you open the gates

712
00:29:09,013 --> 00:29:10,715
a few of the more aggressive ones

713
00:29:10,748 --> 00:29:12,183
are going to get through.

714
00:29:12,217 --> 00:29:14,886
The crème da la crme.

715
00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,521
The alphas.

716
00:29:16,554 --> 00:29:17,689
They're going to get through.

717
00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:19,057
Their going to find each other

718
00:29:19,090 --> 00:29:20,625
and their going to cross breed

719
00:29:20,658 --> 00:29:23,261
and pretty soon you have a melting pot.

720
00:29:23,294 --> 00:29:24,996
Child killers, corpse fuckers,

721
00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:29,134
drugs zombies and full-blown wackoloons

722
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:30,468
wondering the landscape

723
00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:33,505
in search of truth and fun.

724
00:29:33,538 --> 00:29:35,974
Just like now.

725
00:29:36,007 --> 00:29:37,342
Everyone will have guns.

726
00:29:37,375 --> 00:29:38,843
Everyone will have drugs

727
00:29:38,877 --> 00:29:41,179
and no one will be in charge.

728
00:29:41,212 --> 00:29:43,648
Just like now.

729
00:29:43,681 --> 00:29:47,519
But at least we'll have a balanced budget.

730
00:29:49,787 --> 00:29:50,955
Thank you.

731
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:53,258
Thank you.

732
00:29:56,828 --> 00:30:01,733
Thank you very much.

733
00:30:01,766 --> 00:30:02,600
I appreciate it.

734
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:03,535
Thank you.

735
00:30:03,568 --> 00:30:04,636
Thank you.

736
00:30:04,836 --> 00:30:07,672
Hey.

737
00:30:07,705 --> 00:30:08,573
Hey.

738
00:30:08,606 --> 00:30:15,246
Hey time for a few fart jokes.

739
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,814
Where would a comedy show be

740
00:30:16,848 --> 00:30:18,850
without a few fart jokes?

741
00:30:18,883 --> 00:30:20,485
Question

742
00:30:20,518 --> 00:30:22,253
Did you ever have to fart

743
00:30:22,287 --> 00:30:24,889
on a bus or an airplane

744
00:30:24,923 --> 00:30:27,192
or in some public place

745
00:30:27,225 --> 00:30:31,563
but you hadn't been farting all that day

746
00:30:31,596 --> 00:30:33,398
so you didn't really know

747
00:30:33,431 --> 00:30:38,203
the nature of the beast.

748
00:30:38,236 --> 00:30:43,174
You only knew there was lots of it.

749
00:30:43,208 --> 00:30:45,476
In a situation like that

750
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:47,245
what you have to do

751
00:30:47,278 --> 00:30:49,080
is to release

752
00:30:49,113 --> 00:30:52,083
a test fart.

753
00:30:58,223 --> 00:31:01,326
You have to arrange to release

754
00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:03,061
quietly

755
00:31:03,094 --> 00:31:06,898
and in a carefully controlled manner

756
00:31:06,931 --> 00:31:10,568
about ten to fifteen percent

757
00:31:10,602 --> 00:31:13,471
of the total fart

758
00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:14,772
in order to determine

759
00:31:14,806 --> 00:31:19,811
if those around you can handle it.

760
00:31:19,844 --> 00:31:21,913
Or, or if in fact

761
00:31:21,946 --> 00:31:24,415
you may be about to precipitate

762
00:31:24,449 --> 00:31:29,954
a public health emergency.

763
00:31:29,988 --> 00:31:33,825
When releasing a test fart it is often good

764
00:31:33,858 --> 00:31:37,629
to engage in an act of subterfuge,

765
00:31:37,662 --> 00:31:42,066
such as reaching for a magazine.

766
00:31:42,100 --> 00:31:44,068
Say,

767
00:31:44,102 --> 00:31:46,504
is that Golf Digest?

768
00:31:46,537 --> 00:31:49,574
[Noise]

769
00:32:03,655 --> 00:32:06,624
That doesn't smell too horrifying.

770
00:32:06,658 --> 00:32:10,495
In fact in an odd way it's rather pleasant.

771
00:32:10,528 --> 00:32:11,863
I think they ought to enjoy

772
00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:13,564
the rest of this baby.

773
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:16,501
[Noise]

774
00:32:16,534 --> 00:32:18,403
And it turns out to be

775
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:19,937
one of those farts

776
00:32:19,971 --> 00:32:24,509
that would strip the varnish off a footlocker.

777
00:32:24,542 --> 00:32:30,481
A fart that could end a marriage.

778
00:32:30,515 --> 00:32:31,716
And everyone around you

779
00:32:31,749 --> 00:32:33,851
heads for the exits.

780
00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:37,855
Even the people on the airplane.

781
00:32:37,889 --> 00:32:39,891
As you realize it is time

782
00:32:39,924 --> 00:32:43,361
to review your fiber intake.

783
00:32:43,394 --> 00:32:45,396
It might not be necessary after all

784
00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:50,234
each morning to eat an entire wicker swing set.

785
00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:51,703
I have no ending for this

786
00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:55,373
so I take a small bow.

787
00:32:55,406 --> 00:32:56,808
Thank you.

788
00:32:56,841 --> 00:32:59,677
I appreciate that.

789
00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,546
Thank you.

790
00:33:02,847 --> 00:33:06,250
Okay.

791
00:33:06,284 --> 00:33:07,585
And this next thing

792
00:33:07,618 --> 00:33:08,519
this next thing is about

793
00:33:08,553 --> 00:33:09,787
the English language.

794
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:11,255
It's about little expressions we use.

795
00:33:11,289 --> 00:33:12,457
We all say them.

796
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,292
The little sayings and expressions that we use

797
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:15,493
all the time most of us

798
00:33:15,526 --> 00:33:16,761
and we never really seem

799
00:33:16,794 --> 00:33:17,929
to examine these expressions

800
00:33:17,962 --> 00:33:19,230
very carefully at all

801
00:33:19,263 --> 00:33:21,099
we just sort of say these things

802
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:23,668
as if they really made sense.

803
00:33:23,701 --> 00:33:27,739
Like "Legally drunk."

804
00:33:27,772 --> 00:33:28,973
Well if it's legal

805
00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:32,343
what's the fucking problem?

806
00:33:34,145 --> 00:33:35,947
Hey,

807
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:37,815
leave my friend alone officer

808
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:41,185
he's legally drunk.

809
00:33:44,722 --> 00:33:47,158
"You know where can stick it."

810
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,693
Well why do we always assume everyone knows

811
00:33:48,726 --> 00:33:50,228
where they can stick it?

812
00:33:50,261 --> 00:33:51,429
Suppose you don't know.

813
00:33:51,462 --> 00:33:54,465
Suppose you're a new guy.

814
00:33:54,499 --> 00:33:56,901
You have absolutely no idea where to stick it.

815
00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,035
I think there ought to be

816
00:33:58,069 --> 00:33:59,170
a government booklet entitled,

817
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:01,139
"Where to Stick It."

818
00:34:01,172 --> 00:34:02,240
Now that I think of it I believe

819
00:34:02,273 --> 00:34:04,041
there is a government booklet like that.

820
00:34:04,075 --> 00:34:07,345
They send it to you on April 15th.

821
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:17,255
"Undisputed Heavy Weight Champion."

822
00:34:17,288 --> 00:34:18,756
Well if it's undisputed

823
00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:21,926
what's all the fighting about?

824
00:34:25,496 --> 00:34:29,333
"It's the quiet ones you got to watch."

825
00:34:29,367 --> 00:34:30,601
You know that one huh?

826
00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:31,969
Every time you see a story

827
00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:34,071
about a serial killer on TV

828
00:34:34,105 --> 00:34:35,173
what do they do?

829
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:36,641
They bring on the neighbor

830
00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:37,842
and then the neighbor says,

831
00:34:37,875 --> 00:34:41,546
Well he was always very quiet.

832
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:42,780
And someone in the room says,

833
00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:45,750
It's the quiet ones you got to watch.

834
00:34:45,783 --> 00:34:46,884
This sounds to me

835
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,719
like a very dangerous assumption.

836
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:49,921
I will bet you anything

837
00:34:49,954 --> 00:34:51,456
that while you're watching the quiet one

838
00:34:51,489 --> 00:34:56,627
a noisy one will fucking kill you.

839
00:34:56,661 --> 00:34:57,728
Suppose you're in a bar

840
00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:58,830
and one guy sitting over on the side

841
00:34:58,863 --> 00:35:00,164
reading a book not bothering anybody,

842
00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:01,432
another guy standing up at the front

843
00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:02,700
with a machete banging on the bar saying,

844
00:35:02,733 --> 00:35:05,303
I'll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.

845
00:35:05,336 --> 00:35:08,873
Who you going to watch?

846
00:35:08,906 --> 00:35:10,775
You're God damn right.

847
00:35:13,578 --> 00:35:17,048
"Lock them up and throw away the key."

848
00:35:17,081 --> 00:35:19,250
This is really stupid.

849
00:35:19,283 --> 00:35:20,384
Where you going to throw the key?

850
00:35:20,418 --> 00:35:22,286
Right out in front of the jail?

851
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,589
His friends will find it.

852
00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:25,723
How far can you throw a key?

853
00:35:25,756 --> 00:35:27,959
Fifty, sixty feet the most.

854
00:35:27,992 --> 00:35:29,894
Even if you lay it flat on its side like that

855
00:35:29,927 --> 00:35:31,929
and you scale it

856
00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:34,866
what do you get an extra ten feet tops.

857
00:35:34,899 --> 00:35:36,601
This is a stupid idea.

858
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:39,470
Needs to be completely rethought.

859
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:43,841
"Down the tubes."

860
00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,243
You hear that one a lot, people say,

861
00:35:45,276 --> 00:35:48,779
Awe the country is going down the tubes.

862
00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:51,482
What tubes?

863
00:35:51,516 --> 00:35:53,751
Have you seen any tubes?

864
00:35:53,784 --> 00:35:55,219
Where are these tubes?

865
00:35:55,253 --> 00:35:57,655
And where do they go?

866
00:35:57,688 --> 00:36:02,660
And how come there's more than one tube?

867
00:36:02,693 --> 00:36:06,564
It would seem to me one country one tube.

868
00:36:06,597 --> 00:36:07,965
What does every state all of a sudden

869
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:10,167
have to have it's own tube now?

870
00:36:10,201 --> 00:36:13,070
One tube is all you need.

871
00:36:13,104 --> 00:36:15,139
But a tube that big

872
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:17,842
somebody would have seen it by now.

873
00:36:17,875 --> 00:36:18,976
Somebody would have said,

874
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,246
Hey Joey, Joey look at the fucking tube.

875
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,649
Big ass fucking tube over here.

876
00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:25,616
You never here that.

877
00:36:25,650 --> 00:36:26,651
You know why?

878
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:28,019
No tubes.

879
00:36:28,052 --> 00:36:30,788
We don't have tube one.

880
00:36:30,821 --> 00:36:36,327
We are essentially tubeless.

881
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,596
"Takes the cake."

882
00:36:38,629 --> 00:36:39,730
You know?

883
00:36:39,764 --> 00:36:42,767
Say, Boy he really takes the cake.

884
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,436
Where?

885
00:36:45,469 --> 00:36:48,639
Where do you take a cake to the movies?

886
00:36:48,673 --> 00:36:50,274
You know where I would take a cake

887
00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:52,043
down to the bakery

888
00:36:52,076 --> 00:36:57,648
to see the other cakes.

889
00:36:57,682 --> 00:36:59,250
And how come he takes the cake?

890
00:36:59,283 --> 00:37:01,886
How come he don't take the pie?

891
00:37:01,919 --> 00:37:04,422
The pie is easier to carry than the cake.

892
00:37:04,455 --> 00:37:06,724
"Easy as pie."

893
00:37:06,757 --> 00:37:08,059
Hey wait,

894
00:37:08,092 --> 00:37:10,428
cake is not too hard to carry either.

895
00:37:10,461 --> 00:37:13,097
"Piece of cake."

896
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:22,106
"The greatest thing since sliced bread."

897
00:37:22,139 --> 00:37:26,277
So this is it huh folks?

898
00:37:26,310 --> 00:37:28,980
A couple hundred thousand years.

899
00:37:33,985 --> 00:37:37,154
The fucking pyramids for Christ sakes.

900
00:37:37,188 --> 00:37:38,256
Panama Canal.

901
00:37:38,289 --> 00:37:40,157
The Great Wall of China.

902
00:37:40,191 --> 00:37:43,327
Even a lava lamp

903
00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:45,896
to me is greater than sliced bread.

904
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:47,765
What's so great about sliced bread?

905
00:37:47,798 --> 00:37:49,100
You got a knife; you got a loaf of bread

906
00:37:49,133 --> 00:37:51,869
slice the fucking thing!

907
00:37:56,307 --> 00:38:01,445
And get on with your life.

908
00:38:01,479 --> 00:38:04,515
"Out walking the streets."

909
00:38:04,548 --> 00:38:06,384
You know guy gets a parole.

910
00:38:06,417 --> 00:38:08,319
They say, Now instead of being in prison

911
00:38:08,352 --> 00:38:11,222
this guy is out walking the streets.

912
00:38:11,255 --> 00:38:13,457
How do we know?

913
00:38:13,491 --> 00:38:16,761
Maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter.

914
00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,062
Not everybody that gets a parole

915
00:38:18,095 --> 00:38:20,865
is out walking the fucking streets.

916
00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:24,035
A lot of times they steal a car you know?

917
00:38:24,068 --> 00:38:25,403
So we ought to be glad.

918
00:38:25,436 --> 00:38:27,471
Thank God he stole a car.

919
00:38:27,505 --> 00:38:30,841
At least he's not out walking the streets.

920
00:38:33,878 --> 00:38:36,380
"Fine and dandy."

921
00:38:36,414 --> 00:38:38,616
That's an old fashioned one that ya hear.

922
00:38:38,649 --> 00:38:39,950
Say to a guy, How are ya?

923
00:38:39,984 --> 00:38:42,086
Just fine and dandy.

924
00:38:42,119 --> 00:38:43,454
Not me.

925
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:45,089
I never say that.

926
00:38:45,122 --> 00:38:46,624
You know how come?

927
00:38:46,657 --> 00:38:48,292
Cause I'm never both of those things

928
00:38:48,325 --> 00:38:50,294
at the same time.

929
00:38:50,327 --> 00:38:54,799
Sometimes I'm fine not dandy.

930
00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:56,934
Close to dandy.

931
00:38:56,967 --> 00:38:59,203
Approaching dandy.

932
00:38:59,236 --> 00:39:03,808
In the vicinity of dandy hood

933
00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:06,811
not quite fully dandy.

934
00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:12,049
Other times I am indeed highly dandy.

935
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,690
However, not fine.

936
00:39:19,724 --> 00:39:20,958
One time

937
00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:22,326
One time

938
00:39:22,359 --> 00:39:23,994
in 1965

939
00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:26,764
August for about an hour

940
00:39:26,797 --> 00:39:29,834
I was both fine and dandy at the same time

941
00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:34,105
but nobody asked me how I was.

942
00:39:34,138 --> 00:39:36,040
And I could have told them.

943
00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:38,609
I could have told them.

944
00:39:38,642 --> 00:39:40,544
I could have told them.

945
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,181
I could have said to the person,

946
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:46,450
fine and dandy.

947
00:39:46,484 --> 00:39:51,021
I consider it a lost opportunity.

948
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:53,023
"Walking papers."

949
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,091
You know?

950
00:39:54,125 --> 00:39:55,659
Guy gets fired.

951
00:39:55,693 --> 00:39:58,028
You say, Gees poor guy.

952
00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:01,799
Well they give him his walking papers today.

953
00:40:01,832 --> 00:40:04,468
Did you ever get any walking papers?

954
00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:06,170
Seriously?

955
00:40:06,203 --> 00:40:07,404
Believe me in my life

956
00:40:07,438 --> 00:40:10,274
I got fired a lot of times.

957
00:40:10,307 --> 00:40:12,810
You can tell.

958
00:40:12,843 --> 00:40:14,879
Never got any walking papers.

959
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:17,014
Never got a pink slip either.

960
00:40:17,047 --> 00:40:18,415
You know what I would get?

961
00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:20,217
A guy would come around to my desk and say,

962
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,987
Get the fuck out of here!

963
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:34,231
You don't need paper for that.

964
00:40:34,265 --> 00:40:36,066
It's like "The Riot Act."

965
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:37,635
"The Riot Act."

966
00:40:37,668 --> 00:40:38,702
They keep telling you

967
00:40:38,736 --> 00:40:41,205
their going to read that to you.

968
00:40:41,238 --> 00:40:43,674
Have you heard this thing at all?

969
00:40:43,707 --> 00:40:44,708
Especially when you're a kid

970
00:40:44,742 --> 00:40:45,676
they threaten you.

971
00:40:45,709 --> 00:40:47,344
You wait till your father comes home.

972
00:40:47,378 --> 00:40:50,147
He's going to read you the riot act.

973
00:40:50,181 --> 00:40:53,150
Tell him I already read it myself

974
00:40:53,184 --> 00:40:54,418
and I didn't like it either.

975
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:57,955
I consider it wordy and poorly thought out.

976
00:40:57,988 --> 00:40:59,356
He wants to read me something how about

977
00:40:59,390 --> 00:41:00,791
'The Gentleman's Guide

978
00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:03,360
to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs.'

979
00:41:07,097 --> 00:41:10,067
"More than happy."

980
00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:11,869
I bet you say that sometimes don't you?

981
00:41:11,902 --> 00:41:13,404
Once in a while you say to somebody,

982
00:41:13,437 --> 00:41:17,041
Oh I'd be more than happy to do that.

983
00:41:17,074 --> 00:41:20,644
How can you be more than happy?

984
00:41:20,678 --> 00:41:21,912
To me this sounds

985
00:41:21,946 --> 00:41:26,150
like a dangerous mental condition.

986
00:41:26,183 --> 00:41:29,920
We had to put Dave in the mental home.

987
00:41:29,954 --> 00:41:34,758
He was

988
00:41:34,792 --> 00:41:38,929
more than happy.

989
00:41:38,963 --> 00:41:40,364
One more of these.

990
00:41:40,397 --> 00:41:42,766
"In your own words."

991
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:43,901
People say that to you?

992
00:41:43,934 --> 00:41:44,835
You know when you hear that a lot

993
00:41:44,869 --> 00:41:46,270
in a classroom

994
00:41:46,303 --> 00:41:47,738
or in a courtroom

995
00:41:47,771 --> 00:41:48,939
they'll say to you,

996
00:41:48,973 --> 00:41:53,210
Tell us in your own words.

997
00:41:53,244 --> 00:41:55,913
Do you have your own words?

998
00:41:55,946 --> 00:41:57,414
Hey I'm using the ones

999
00:41:57,448 --> 00:41:59,183
everybody else has been using.

1000
00:41:59,216 --> 00:42:00,517
Next time they tell you to say something

1001
00:42:00,551 --> 00:42:01,785
in your own words say,

1002
00:42:01,819 --> 00:42:05,556
Nik flak flarnee kloundo floo.

1003
00:42:07,458 --> 00:42:09,159
Thank you.

1004
00:42:17,301 --> 00:42:18,602
Thank you.

1005
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:23,707
Now this next piece of material is real simple

1006
00:42:23,741 --> 00:42:27,811
it's called, free-floating hostility.

1007
00:42:27,845 --> 00:42:30,714
Twenty-four minor culture items

1008
00:42:30,748 --> 00:42:33,751
I'm bored with tired of and pissed at.

1009
00:42:33,784 --> 00:42:36,453
So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.

1010
00:42:36,487 --> 00:42:37,721
People

1011
00:42:37,755 --> 00:42:38,789
People

1012
00:42:38,822 --> 00:42:40,291
People who make quote marks

1013
00:42:40,324 --> 00:42:43,894
in the air with their finger.

1014
00:42:43,928 --> 00:42:45,796
Are you tired of these people yet?

1015
00:42:45,829 --> 00:42:48,632
He said he was, "Sober."

1016
00:42:48,666 --> 00:42:49,767
Hey lady,

1017
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,336
"Eat me."

1018
00:42:59,343 --> 00:43:01,912
Budda-boom, budda-bing.

1019
00:43:01,946 --> 00:43:03,847
Next guy says to me budda-boom, budda-bing

1020
00:43:03,881 --> 00:43:06,784
is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts.

1021
00:43:06,817 --> 00:43:10,854
Budda-boom, mother fucker!

1022
00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:14,658
You want to try budda-bing?

1023
00:43:14,692 --> 00:43:16,927
Bad hair day.

1024
00:43:16,961 --> 00:43:18,996
Where did this shit come from?

1025
00:43:19,029 --> 00:43:20,531
What a superficial culture.

1026
00:43:20,564 --> 00:43:23,934
Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt.

1027
00:43:33,143 --> 00:43:34,778
It's a good thing Lewis and Clark

1028
00:43:34,812 --> 00:43:36,880
never had a bad hair day

1029
00:43:36,914 --> 00:43:39,049
or Daniel Boone huh?

1030
00:43:39,083 --> 00:43:42,886
Kuster, he had a really bad hair day

1031
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,288
but he had it coming that blond,

1032
00:43:44,321 --> 00:43:47,524
blue-eyed criminal fuck.

1033
00:43:47,558 --> 00:43:48,926
What about these guys that tell you,

1034
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:50,227
I heard that.

1035
00:43:50,260 --> 00:43:52,062
I heard that.

1036
00:43:52,096 --> 00:43:54,231
Ah you did, did you?

1037
00:43:54,264 --> 00:43:56,200
Well isn't this exciting.

1038
00:43:56,233 --> 00:43:59,169
What is this a fucking hearing test?

1039
00:43:59,203 --> 00:44:02,640
Did I wonder into a Beltone commercial here?

1040
00:44:02,673 --> 00:44:04,441
Of course you heard you fucking nimrod

1041
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:07,344
I'm standing right next to ya.

1042
00:44:07,378 --> 00:44:09,480
I'm going to move down here.

1043
00:44:11,615 --> 00:44:13,951
I'm going to move a little farther away.

1044
00:44:13,984 --> 00:44:16,587
Blow me!

1045
00:44:16,620 --> 00:44:20,157
By any chance did you here that?

1046
00:44:22,893 --> 00:44:24,294
What about these people who tell you

1047
00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:26,697
their needs aren't being met?

1048
00:44:26,730 --> 00:44:27,931
You run into this stuff?

1049
00:44:27,965 --> 00:44:29,233
This is support group shit.

1050
00:44:29,266 --> 00:44:30,501
Twelve steppers.

1051
00:44:30,534 --> 00:44:32,102
My needs aren't being met.

1052
00:44:32,136 --> 00:44:33,404
Know what I tell them?

1053
00:44:33,437 --> 00:44:37,341
Drop some of your needs.

1054
00:44:37,374 --> 00:44:42,212
Life is a zero sum game.

1055
00:44:42,246 --> 00:44:44,615
What else is troubling me?

1056
00:44:44,648 --> 00:44:46,784
Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced

1057
00:44:46,817 --> 00:44:48,218
on the television news

1058
00:44:48,252 --> 00:44:50,320
as if it's an actual event.

1059
00:44:50,354 --> 00:44:52,222
I don't give a shit.

1060
00:44:52,256 --> 00:44:53,857
If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday

1061
00:44:53,891 --> 00:44:56,260
I'd have memorized it years ago

1062
00:44:56,293 --> 00:44:57,394
and I'd send him a card.

1063
00:44:57,428 --> 00:44:58,529
Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday.

1064
00:44:58,562 --> 00:44:59,430
Love, George.

1065
00:44:59,463 --> 00:45:00,664
I don't do that why?

1066
00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:01,999
Don't give a shit.

1067
00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:03,167
Fuck Mickey Mouse.

1068
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:06,770
Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick.

1069
00:45:12,676 --> 00:45:13,744
Then break it off

1070
00:45:13,777 --> 00:45:16,146
and beat him with the rest of it.

1071
00:45:16,180 --> 00:45:18,282
I hope Mickey dies.

1072
00:45:18,315 --> 00:45:20,651
I do, I hope he Goddamn dies.

1073
00:45:20,684 --> 00:45:24,488
I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese

1074
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:26,290
and dies lonely and forgotten

1075
00:45:26,323 --> 00:45:28,559
behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom

1076
00:45:28,592 --> 00:45:30,461
in a poor neighborhood

1077
00:45:30,494 --> 00:45:34,264
with his hand in Goofy's pants.

1078
00:45:34,298 --> 00:45:35,466
Mickey Mouse, no wonder

1079
00:45:35,499 --> 00:45:37,000
no one in the world takes our country serious.

1080
00:45:37,034 --> 00:45:38,402
Do we waste valuable television time

1081
00:45:38,435 --> 00:45:39,803
informing our citizens of the age

1082
00:45:39,837 --> 00:45:42,706
of an imaginary rodent!

1083
00:45:46,110 --> 00:45:47,611
Now let me ask you this,

1084
00:45:47,644 --> 00:45:49,379
the two pandas in the zoo

1085
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:50,547
do you care if they fuck?

1086
00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:52,349
I don't.

1087
00:45:52,382 --> 00:45:53,884
Why don't they stop telling me on the news

1088
00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:56,487
the pandas didn't fuck again this year?

1089
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:57,721
I'm not concerned.

1090
00:45:57,754 --> 00:45:59,156
I have no emotional stake

1091
00:45:59,189 --> 00:46:01,525
in panda fucking all right?

1092
00:46:01,558 --> 00:46:02,593
If they want to they will.

1093
00:46:02,626 --> 00:46:06,430
If not they'll watch the Price is Right.

1094
00:46:06,463 --> 00:46:07,598
Probably the only reason

1095
00:46:07,631 --> 00:46:08,966
they're not doing it on time

1096
00:46:08,999 --> 00:46:10,134
is cause some jack off

1097
00:46:10,167 --> 00:46:11,301
from the environmental movement

1098
00:46:11,335 --> 00:46:12,703
has moved into the cage with them.

1099
00:46:12,736 --> 00:46:13,904
Could you get a hard on

1100
00:46:13,937 --> 00:46:15,339
if some guy in a green T-shirt with a stopwatch

1101
00:46:15,372 --> 00:46:19,376
was taking your girlfriends rectal temperature?

1102
00:46:19,409 --> 00:46:23,347
Leave these creatures alone.

1103
00:46:23,380 --> 00:46:26,683
And

1104
00:46:26,717 --> 00:46:29,787
let me get a sip of water here, hold on.

1105
00:46:31,555 --> 00:46:34,691
All right.

1106
00:46:34,725 --> 00:46:36,794
And as long as we're talking about the news

1107
00:46:36,827 --> 00:46:37,861
I don't want to hear anything more

1108
00:46:37,895 --> 00:46:39,696
about sperm egg donor surrogate

1109
00:46:39,730 --> 00:46:41,532
invetro test tube biological adoptive

1110
00:46:41,565 --> 00:46:43,934
foster parents who want their baby back.

1111
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:45,736
Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby This, Baby That,

1112
00:46:45,769 --> 00:46:47,571
Baby It's Cold Outside, I don't give a shit.

1113
00:46:47,604 --> 00:46:50,374
Leave me alone and keep it off my TV.

1114
00:46:50,407 --> 00:46:51,775
Sick American shit.

1115
00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:53,310
I'm also tired of hearing about

1116
00:46:53,343 --> 00:46:54,645
innocent victims.

1117
00:46:54,678 --> 00:46:55,879
This is an outmoded idea.

1118
00:46:55,913 --> 00:46:57,381
There are no innocent victims.

1119
00:46:57,414 --> 00:46:58,382
If you live on this planet

1120
00:46:58,415 --> 00:46:59,283
you're guilty period.

1121
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:00,250
Fuck you.

1122
00:47:00,284 --> 00:47:01,485
End of report next case.

1123
00:47:01,518 --> 00:47:03,120
Next fucking case.

1124
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:08,592
Next case.

1125
00:47:08,625 --> 00:47:11,995
You're birth certificate is proof of guilt.

1126
00:47:12,029 --> 00:47:13,931
And what happened in this country that now suddenly

1127
00:47:13,964 --> 00:47:15,265
everyone is walking around

1128
00:47:15,299 --> 00:47:19,002
with their own personal bottle of water?

1129
00:47:19,036 --> 00:47:22,072
When did we get so thirsty in America?

1130
00:47:22,105 --> 00:47:23,440
Is everybody so dehydrated

1131
00:47:23,473 --> 00:47:24,775
they have to have

1132
00:47:24,808 --> 00:47:26,109
their own portable supply of fluids

1133
00:47:26,143 --> 00:47:27,611
with them at all times?

1134
00:47:27,644 --> 00:47:32,316
Get a drink before you leave the house.

1135
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,117
Another crime against society,

1136
00:47:34,151 --> 00:47:35,852
hyphenated names.

1137
00:47:35,886 --> 00:47:38,989
Hey lady pick a fucking name would you please?

1138
00:47:39,022 --> 00:47:42,092
Pick a fucking name.

1139
00:47:42,125 --> 00:47:44,228
Hi I'm Emily Jericho-Fordescu.

1140
00:47:44,261 --> 00:47:47,631
Hi I'm George Jerk-Me-Off-Fuck-You-Too.

1141
00:47:50,634 --> 00:47:52,236
You don't acquire personal dignity

1142
00:47:52,269 --> 00:47:53,870
by adding a name to your name.

1143
00:47:53,904 --> 00:47:55,572
Feminists think it's a radical act.

1144
00:47:55,606 --> 00:47:56,607
It's not.

1145
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:57,774
Castrating a guy in a parking lot

1146
00:47:57,808 --> 00:48:00,811
with a Coke bottle is a radical act.

1147
00:48:00,844 --> 00:48:04,014
Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit.

1148
00:48:04,047 --> 00:48:05,449
And what is going on with all these

1149
00:48:05,482 --> 00:48:08,285
telephone-calling plans?

1150
00:48:08,318 --> 00:48:11,989
MCI, ATandT is this shit really necessary?

1151
00:48:12,022 --> 00:48:13,357
When did the phone bill become

1152
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:15,559
life's most critical document?

1153
00:48:15,592 --> 00:48:16,793
In a country where you can buy

1154
00:48:16,827 --> 00:48:18,061
cinnamon dental floss,

1155
00:48:18,095 --> 00:48:19,263
cheese in a spray can

1156
00:48:19,296 --> 00:48:20,631
and eatable women's panties

1157
00:48:20,664 --> 00:48:22,132
are people really breaking their balls

1158
00:48:22,165 --> 00:48:26,003
to save nine cents on a fucking phone call?

1159
00:48:26,036 --> 00:48:27,537
You know?

1160
00:48:33,110 --> 00:48:34,544
Talking to your mother once a year

1161
00:48:34,578 --> 00:48:36,280
might not be the most pleasant thing in the world

1162
00:48:36,313 --> 00:48:37,347
but it should not be seen

1163
00:48:37,381 --> 00:48:41,518
as a critical spending decision.

1164
00:48:41,551 --> 00:48:42,753
Something else I don't understand

1165
00:48:42,786 --> 00:48:44,221
motivation tapes.

1166
00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:45,289
Motivation books.

1167
00:48:45,322 --> 00:48:46,390
What happened here?

1168
00:48:46,423 --> 00:48:47,658
Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?

1169
00:48:47,691 --> 00:48:48,792
It's a fairly simple thing.

1170
00:48:48,825 --> 00:48:49,993
Either you want to do something or you don't?

1171
00:48:50,027 --> 00:48:51,228
What's the big mystery?

1172
00:48:51,261 --> 00:48:52,496
Besides if you're motivated enough

1173
00:48:52,529 --> 00:48:53,830
to go the store to by a motivation book

1174
00:48:53,864 --> 00:48:55,165
aren't you motivated enough to do that

1175
00:48:55,198 --> 00:48:56,300
so you don't need the book?

1176
00:48:56,333 --> 00:48:57,267
Put it back.

1177
00:48:57,301 --> 00:48:58,435
Tell the clerk, Fuck you.

1178
00:48:58,468 --> 00:48:59,870
I'm motivated.

1179
00:48:59,903 --> 00:49:01,271
I'm going home.

1180
00:49:01,305 --> 00:49:04,341
I'm going home.

1181
00:49:08,912 --> 00:49:11,014
And can anyone explain to me

1182
00:49:11,048 --> 00:49:14,918
the need for one hour photo finishing?

1183
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:18,922
You just saw the fucking thing.

1184
00:49:22,492 --> 00:49:26,296
How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept

1185
00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:29,099
like a little while ago?

1186
00:49:32,035 --> 00:49:33,437
Another complaint,

1187
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:35,405
too many vehicles.

1188
00:49:35,439 --> 00:49:36,907
There are some families in this country

1189
00:49:36,940 --> 00:49:39,276
own entirely too many vehicles.

1190
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:41,311
You see them on the highway in an RV.

1191
00:49:41,345 --> 00:49:42,446
But that's not enough for them.

1192
00:49:42,479 --> 00:49:43,680
RV's not enough.

1193
00:49:43,714 --> 00:49:45,449
Behind them they're towing a motorboat,

1194
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:47,351
go-cart, dune buggy, dirt bike, Jet Ski,

1195
00:49:47,384 --> 00:49:49,553
snow mobile, parasail, hand glider,

1196
00:49:49,586 --> 00:49:51,388
wind surfing equipment, a hot air balloon

1197
00:49:51,421 --> 00:49:55,125
and a small two-man deep-sea diving bell.

1198
00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:59,529
Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk anymore?

1199
00:49:59,563 --> 00:50:00,697
The only thing these people lack

1200
00:50:00,731 --> 00:50:03,300
is a lunar excursion module.

1201
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,235
Too many choices America.

1202
00:50:05,268 --> 00:50:08,372
It's not healthy.

1203
00:50:08,405 --> 00:50:10,140
Another abomination,

1204
00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:11,675
white guys

1205
00:50:11,708 --> 00:50:13,744
over ten years of age

1206
00:50:13,777 --> 00:50:18,115
who wear their baseball hats backwards.

1207
00:50:20,317 --> 00:50:22,285
Listen to me.

1208
00:50:24,588 --> 00:50:27,324
White guys let me tell you something.

1209
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:30,727
You're never going to be as cool as black guys.

1210
00:50:30,761 --> 00:50:32,095
It's not going to happen.

1211
00:50:32,129 --> 00:50:33,497
You're white

1212
00:50:33,530 --> 00:50:36,199
and you're lame.

1213
00:50:38,635 --> 00:50:41,938
It's a fucking law of nature.

1214
00:50:41,972 --> 00:50:43,273
Turning your hat around

1215
00:50:43,306 --> 00:50:44,708
and learning a complicated handshake

1216
00:50:44,741 --> 00:50:46,843
will not make you cool.

1217
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:48,011
And you black guys

1218
00:50:48,044 --> 00:50:49,146
since you started the whole thing

1219
00:50:49,179 --> 00:50:50,414
I'm going to let you stay with the hats

1220
00:50:50,447 --> 00:50:51,848
a little bit longer but I think really

1221
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,150
once you qualify for social security

1222
00:50:53,183 --> 00:50:54,851
it's time to spin that motherfucker

1223
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,820
around to the front of you.

1224
00:50:56,853 --> 00:50:59,556
All right?

1225
00:50:59,589 --> 00:51:02,225
Yeah.

1226
00:51:02,259 --> 00:51:04,761
Another tip, another tip for the men.

1227
00:51:04,795 --> 00:51:05,996
The earring.

1228
00:51:06,029 --> 00:51:07,197
The thing with the earrings.

1229
00:51:07,230 --> 00:51:08,932
It's over.

1230
00:51:08,965 --> 00:51:10,734
It's been over for a long time.

1231
00:51:10,767 --> 00:51:12,269
Doesn't mean anything anymore.

1232
00:51:12,302 --> 00:51:14,738
It was supposed to piss off the squares.

1233
00:51:14,771 --> 00:51:17,707
The squares are wearing them now.

1234
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:18,742
Doesn't mean anything.

1235
00:51:18,775 --> 00:51:20,010
It's just fucking jewelry.

1236
00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:21,344
Unless you have an earring

1237
00:51:21,378 --> 00:51:23,480
with a live baby hanging from it

1238
00:51:23,513 --> 00:51:24,748
it's just jewelry.

1239
00:51:24,781 --> 00:51:26,049
And I want you to know

1240
00:51:26,082 --> 00:51:27,484
I'm in favor of self-mutilation

1241
00:51:27,517 --> 00:51:29,486
and personal disfigurement.

1242
00:51:29,519 --> 00:51:31,455
I've always said there's nothing like puncturing

1243
00:51:31,488 --> 00:51:33,390
and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places

1244
00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:36,760
in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem.

1245
00:51:36,793 --> 00:51:38,728
When I see a young man decorating his scalp

1246
00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:40,430
with a soldering iron I say,

1247
00:51:40,464 --> 00:51:43,366
There's a happy guy.

1248
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:47,070
Thinks highly of himself.

1249
00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:48,972
And haven't we gone a little overboard with

1250
00:51:49,005 --> 00:51:51,575
these colored ribbons for different causes?

1251
00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:53,510
Every cause has it's own colored ribbon now.

1252
00:51:53,543 --> 00:51:54,444
Red for AIDS.

1253
00:51:54,478 --> 00:51:55,378
Blue for child abuse.

1254
00:51:55,412 --> 00:51:56,379
Pink for breast cancer.

1255
00:51:56,413 --> 00:51:57,414
Green for the rain forest.

1256
00:51:57,447 --> 00:51:58,415
Purple for urban violence.

1257
00:51:58,448 --> 00:51:59,316
I got a brown one.

1258
00:51:59,349 --> 00:52:00,217
You know what it means?

1259
00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:02,018
Eat shit motherfucker!

1260
00:52:02,052 --> 00:52:04,855
Eat shit motherfucker!

1261
00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:13,663
And what can we do

1262
00:52:13,697 --> 00:52:16,633
to silence these Christian athletes

1263
00:52:16,666 --> 00:52:18,635
who thank Jesus whenever they win,

1264
00:52:18,668 --> 00:52:20,537
never mention his name when they lose.

1265
00:52:20,570 --> 00:52:21,271
Not a word.

1266
00:52:21,304 --> 00:52:22,272
You never hear them say,

1267
00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:24,774
Jesus made me drop the ball.

1268
00:52:24,808 --> 00:52:25,742
The good Lord tripped me up

1269
00:52:25,775 --> 00:52:28,245
behind the line of scrimmage.

1270
00:52:28,278 --> 00:52:30,780
According to these guys Jesus is undefeated.

1271
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:33,817
Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place.

1272
00:52:33,850 --> 00:52:37,153
Must be another one of those miracles.

1273
00:52:37,187 --> 00:52:38,655
And speaking of delusional people

1274
00:52:38,688 --> 00:52:40,223
what about a guy who hears a voice in his head

1275
00:52:40,257 --> 00:52:41,625
tells him to kill his entire family

1276
00:52:41,658 --> 00:52:42,826
so he does it?

1277
00:52:42,859 --> 00:52:44,027
Is this the only thing a voice in the head

1278
00:52:44,060 --> 00:52:45,295
ever tells these people to do

1279
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:46,396
is to kill others?

1280
00:52:46,429 --> 00:52:47,664
Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy?

1281
00:52:47,697 --> 00:52:51,034
Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's.

1282
00:52:53,370 --> 00:52:55,639
Doesn't a voice, doesn't a voice tell a guy

1283
00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:58,441
to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while?

1284
00:52:58,475 --> 00:52:59,676
Well some guys

1285
00:52:59,709 --> 00:53:01,611
do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round

1286
00:53:01,645 --> 00:53:04,514
but usually it's their own idea.

1287
00:53:08,318 --> 00:53:09,753
Something else I can do without,

1288
00:53:09,786 --> 00:53:11,955
aftershave and cologne

1289
00:53:11,988 --> 00:53:13,390
and this disgusting shit

1290
00:53:13,423 --> 00:53:14,925
that men put on their bodies.

1291
00:53:14,958 --> 00:53:16,192
Just what I need in the elevator

1292
00:53:16,226 --> 00:53:17,460
some guy standing next to me

1293
00:53:17,494 --> 00:53:20,130
smells like a fucking pine tree.

1294
00:53:20,163 --> 00:53:23,333
I say, Go home and wash you smelly prick.

1295
00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:27,837
You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cathouse.

1296
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:29,372
Goddamn guys are stupid.

1297
00:53:29,406 --> 00:53:30,774
Guys are really fucking dumb.

1298
00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:32,576
They think they're going to get laid with stuff you know?

1299
00:53:32,609 --> 00:53:33,777
Oh yeah they put it on at home.

1300
00:53:33,810 --> 00:53:34,945
Oh boy, oh boy I'll get laid tonight.

1301
00:53:34,978 --> 00:53:36,112
I'll get laid tonight.

1302
00:53:36,146 --> 00:53:37,347
You don't get laid with green shit

1303
00:53:37,380 --> 00:53:39,349
that comes out of a bottle okay?

1304
00:53:39,382 --> 00:53:41,051
The only smell that's going to help you get laid

1305
00:53:41,084 --> 00:53:42,886
might be your own natural scent.

1306
00:53:42,919 --> 00:53:44,054
You have pheromones

1307
00:53:44,087 --> 00:53:45,922
it's a secondary sex characteristic.

1308
00:53:45,956 --> 00:53:48,158
People in America they're all nervous about sex.

1309
00:53:48,191 --> 00:53:49,426
They want to cover it up and disguise it.

1310
00:53:49,459 --> 00:53:50,760
Guys in Europe they know how to live.

1311
00:53:50,794 --> 00:53:51,928
Guy gets in an elevator over there

1312
00:53:51,962 --> 00:53:55,198
he smells like a pile of dog shit.

1313
00:53:55,231 --> 00:53:58,535
Those people are sophisticated.

1314
00:54:02,339 --> 00:54:04,107
Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around

1315
00:54:04,140 --> 00:54:05,976
in cowboy hats and cowboy boots.

1316
00:54:06,009 --> 00:54:07,243
You ever see these jack offs?

1317
00:54:07,277 --> 00:54:09,412
Can't we kill some of these motherfuckers?

1318
00:54:09,446 --> 00:54:11,081
Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat.

1319
00:54:11,114 --> 00:54:12,182
Grown men.

1320
00:54:12,215 --> 00:54:15,719
It's not even Halloween for Christ sakes.

1321
00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:16,953
I say, Hey Tex

1322
00:54:16,987 --> 00:54:18,388
grow up and get yourself a wardrobe

1323
00:54:18,421 --> 00:54:21,992
consistent with the century you're living in.

1324
00:54:22,025 --> 00:54:23,393
Why do certain men feel the need

1325
00:54:23,426 --> 00:54:26,029
to dress up as mythic figures?

1326
00:54:26,062 --> 00:54:27,230
You don't see anyone walking around

1327
00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:29,599
in a pirate costume do you?

1328
00:54:29,633 --> 00:54:31,201
When was the last guy you ran into

1329
00:54:31,234 --> 00:54:33,536
had on a Viking outfit?

1330
00:54:33,570 --> 00:54:34,704
Make believe cowboys,

1331
00:54:34,738 --> 00:54:35,939
closest they ever got to a cow

1332
00:54:35,972 --> 00:54:38,875
is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

1333
00:54:41,911 --> 00:54:44,180
And camcorders.

1334
00:54:44,214 --> 00:54:47,851
Here is technology gone bezerk.

1335
00:54:47,884 --> 00:54:50,587
Everywhere you go now there's some dick,

1336
00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:52,155
some yo-yo,

1337
00:54:52,188 --> 00:54:54,324
some putts

1338
00:54:54,357 --> 00:54:55,959
with a camcorder

1339
00:54:55,992 --> 00:55:00,063
and he is going to tape everything.

1340
00:55:00,096 --> 00:55:01,431
Doesn't anyone in this country

1341
00:55:01,464 --> 00:55:04,300
just stop and look at things anymore?

1342
00:55:04,334 --> 00:55:06,036
Sort of take them in.

1343
00:55:06,069 --> 00:55:09,539
Maybe even remember them.

1344
00:55:09,572 --> 00:55:10,974
Is that such a strange notion?

1345
00:55:11,007 --> 00:55:13,209
Does experience have to be documented

1346
00:55:13,243 --> 00:55:14,811
and brought home and saved on the shelf?

1347
00:55:14,844 --> 00:55:16,980
And do people really watch this shit?

1348
00:55:17,013 --> 00:55:19,049
Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home

1349
00:55:19,082 --> 00:55:22,252
looking at things they already did?

1350
00:55:22,285 --> 00:55:23,853
And these guys are so intense you know?

1351
00:55:23,887 --> 00:55:25,088
It's always guys

1352
00:55:25,121 --> 00:55:26,356
they won't let women touch the cameras.

1353
00:55:26,389 --> 00:55:28,692
It's a highly technical skill.

1354
00:55:28,725 --> 00:55:30,126
Look for a hole, push on a button,

1355
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:31,061
big skill and there

1356
00:55:31,094 --> 00:55:32,929
they all think they're Federico Fillini

1357
00:55:32,962 --> 00:55:36,266
you ever see

1358
00:55:36,299 --> 00:55:37,801
Low angles, zooms and pans

1359
00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:39,602
and it's the same ugly three children

1360
00:55:39,636 --> 00:55:42,739
in every Goddamn shot.

1361
00:55:42,772 --> 00:55:44,908
All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood

1362
00:55:44,941 --> 00:55:45,975
is not going to change

1363
00:55:46,009 --> 00:55:47,544
the unfortunate genetic configuration

1364
00:55:47,577 --> 00:55:49,713
on the faces of these children.

1365
00:55:49,746 --> 00:55:51,247
Keep these unfortunate youngsters

1366
00:55:51,281 --> 00:55:55,652
out of public view.

1367
00:55:55,685 --> 00:55:58,455
Now

1368
00:55:58,488 --> 00:55:59,989
a lot of these

1369
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:01,958
hold on a second

1370
00:56:01,991 --> 00:56:04,594
a lot of these cultural crimes

1371
00:56:04,627 --> 00:56:06,262
I've been complaining about

1372
00:56:06,296 --> 00:56:08,665
can be blamed on the baby boomers.

1373
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:11,101
Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about,

1374
00:56:11,134 --> 00:56:12,736
the baby boomers.

1375
00:56:12,769 --> 00:56:16,506
Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people

1376
00:56:16,539 --> 00:56:19,409
with a simple philosophy, Give me that it's mine.

1377
00:56:19,442 --> 00:56:21,978
Give me that it's mine!

1378
00:56:22,011 --> 00:56:24,280
These people were given everything.

1379
00:56:24,314 --> 00:56:26,349
Everything was handed to them

1380
00:56:26,383 --> 00:56:27,484
and they took it all.

1381
00:56:27,517 --> 00:56:28,485
Took it all.

1382
00:56:28,518 --> 00:56:29,919
Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll

1383
00:56:29,953 --> 00:56:31,187
and they stayed loaded for twenty years

1384
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,689
and had a free ride

1385
00:56:32,722 --> 00:56:34,624
but now they're staring down the barrel

1386
00:56:34,657 --> 00:56:36,092
of middle age burn out

1387
00:56:36,126 --> 00:56:37,594
and they don't like it.

1388
00:56:37,627 --> 00:56:40,130
They don't like it so they've turned self-righteous

1389
00:56:40,163 --> 00:56:41,531
and they want to make things

1390
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:42,899
hard on younger people.

1391
00:56:42,932 --> 00:56:44,200
They tell them to abstain from sex.

1392
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:45,468
Say no to drugs.

1393
00:56:45,502 --> 00:56:46,669
As for the rock-n-roll

1394
00:56:46,703 --> 00:56:48,204
they sold to television commercials

1395
00:56:48,238 --> 00:56:50,006
a long time ago

1396
00:56:50,039 --> 00:56:52,375
so they could buy pasta machines

1397
00:56:52,408 --> 00:56:54,110
and Stairmaster's

1398
00:56:54,144 --> 00:56:57,580
and soybean futures.

1399
00:56:57,614 --> 00:57:01,518
Soybean futures.

1400
00:57:01,551 --> 00:57:04,988
You know something?

1401
00:57:05,021 --> 00:57:07,657
They're cold, bloodless people.

1402
00:57:07,690 --> 00:57:08,725
It's in their slogans.

1403
00:57:08,758 --> 00:57:09,826
It's in their rhetoric.

1404
00:57:09,859 --> 00:57:11,361
No pain, no gain.

1405
00:57:11,394 --> 00:57:12,595
Just do it.

1406
00:57:12,629 --> 00:57:14,364
Life is short play hard.

1407
00:57:14,397 --> 00:57:16,299
Shit happens deal with it.

1408
00:57:16,332 --> 00:57:17,433
Get a life.

1409
00:57:17,467 --> 00:57:18,802
These people went from do your own thing

1410
00:57:18,835 --> 00:57:21,037
to just say no.

1411
00:57:21,070 --> 00:57:22,572
They went from love is all you need

1412
00:57:22,605 --> 00:57:25,341
to whoever winds up with the most toys wins.

1413
00:57:25,375 --> 00:57:30,046
And they went from cocaine to Rogaine.

1414
00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:37,720
And you know something

1415
00:57:37,754 --> 00:57:39,022
they're still counting grams

1416
00:57:39,055 --> 00:57:41,925
only now it's fat grams.

1417
00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:43,159
And the worst of it is

1418
00:57:43,193 --> 00:57:45,461
the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV

1419
00:57:45,495 --> 00:57:47,664
for Levi's loose fitting jeans

1420
00:57:47,697 --> 00:57:50,767
and fat ass Docker pants

1421
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,536
because these degenerate yuppies boomer cocksuckers

1422
00:57:53,570 --> 00:57:54,838
couldn't keep they're hands off

1423
00:57:54,871 --> 00:57:57,473
the croissants and the Haagen-Dazs

1424
00:57:57,507 --> 00:57:59,309
and their big fat asses have spread all over

1425
00:57:59,342 --> 00:58:02,011
and they have to wear fat ass Docker pants.

1426
00:58:02,045 --> 00:58:03,279
Fuck these boomers.

1427
00:58:03,313 --> 00:58:05,114
Fuck these yuppies

1428
00:58:05,148 --> 00:58:06,282
and fuck everybody

1429
00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,685
now that I think about of it.

1430
00:58:19,162 --> 00:58:23,466
Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.

1431
00:58:23,499 --> 00:58:25,001
Now there's one thing you might have noticed

1432
00:58:25,034 --> 00:58:27,470
I don't complain about,

1433
00:58:27,503 --> 00:58:29,105
politicians.

1434
00:58:29,138 --> 00:58:32,008
Everybody complains about politicians.

1435
00:58:32,041 --> 00:58:33,843
Everybody says they suck.

1436
00:58:33,877 --> 00:58:35,178
Well where do people think

1437
00:58:35,211 --> 00:58:36,579
these politicians come from?

1438
00:58:36,613 --> 00:58:38,481
They don't fall out of the sky.

1439
00:58:38,514 --> 00:58:40,116
They don't pass through a membrane

1440
00:58:40,149 --> 00:58:41,918
from another reality.

1441
00:58:41,951 --> 00:58:43,286
They come from American parents

1442
00:58:43,319 --> 00:58:44,320
and American families,

1443
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:45,555
American homes, American schools,

1444
00:58:45,588 --> 00:58:47,090
American churches, American businesses

1445
00:58:47,123 --> 00:58:48,524
and American universities

1446
00:58:48,558 --> 00:58:51,127
and they're elected by American citizens.

1447
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:53,930
This is the best we can do folks.

1448
00:58:53,963 --> 00:58:56,165
This is what we have to offer.

1449
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:57,967
It's what our system produces.

1450
00:58:58,001 --> 00:59:01,638
Garbage in, garbage out.

1451
00:59:01,671 --> 00:59:04,874
If you have selfish ignorant citizens

1452
00:59:04,908 --> 00:59:06,676
if you have selfish, ignorant citizens

1453
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:08,678
your going to get selfish, ignorant leaders

1454
00:59:08,711 --> 00:59:10,213
and term limits ain't going to do you any good

1455
00:59:10,246 --> 00:59:11,581
you're just going to wind up

1456
00:59:11,614 --> 00:59:12,949
with a brand new bunch of

1457
00:59:12,982 --> 00:59:14,350
selfish, ignorant Americans.

1458
00:59:14,384 --> 00:59:16,185
So maybe, maybe, maybe

1459
00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:18,655
it's not the politicians who suck.

1460
00:59:18,688 --> 00:59:21,291
Maybe something else sucks around here

1461
00:59:21,324 --> 00:59:23,793
like the public.

1462
00:59:23,826 --> 00:59:25,428
Yeah the public sucks.

1463
00:59:25,461 --> 00:59:28,965
There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.

1464
00:59:28,998 --> 00:59:31,634
The public sucks, fuck hope.

1465
00:59:31,668 --> 00:59:34,337
Fuck hope.

1466
00:59:34,370 --> 00:59:35,672
Because if it's really

1467
00:59:35,705 --> 00:59:36,973
just the fault of these politicians

1468
00:59:37,006 --> 00:59:40,243
then where are all the other bright people of conscience?

1469
00:59:40,276 --> 00:59:42,278
Where are all the bright honest intelligent Americans

1470
00:59:42,312 --> 00:59:44,647
ready to step in and save the nation

1471
00:59:44,681 --> 00:59:45,949
and lead the way?

1472
00:59:45,982 --> 00:59:48,384
We don't have people like that in this country.

1473
00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:50,586
Everybody's at the mall

1474
00:59:50,620 --> 00:59:52,322
scratching his ass, picking his nose,

1475
00:59:52,355 --> 00:59:54,290
taking his credit card out of his Fannie pack

1476
00:59:54,324 --> 00:59:55,858
and buying a pair of sneakers

1477
00:59:55,892 --> 01:00:00,129
with lights in them.

1478
01:00:00,163 --> 01:00:02,065
So I have solved this little political dilemma

1479
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:03,800
for myself in a very simple way

1480
01:00:03,833 --> 01:00:05,068
on Election Day

1481
01:00:05,101 --> 01:00:06,869
I stay home.

1482
01:00:06,903 --> 01:00:07,870
I don't vote.

1483
01:00:07,904 --> 01:00:08,972
Fuck them.

1484
01:00:09,005 --> 01:00:10,106
Fuck them.

1485
01:00:10,139 --> 01:00:11,274
I don't vote.

1486
01:00:11,307 --> 01:00:13,476
Two reasons, two reasons I don't vote.

1487
01:00:13,509 --> 01:00:15,578
First of all, it's meaningless.

1488
01:00:15,611 --> 01:00:17,580
This country was bought and sold and paid for

1489
01:00:17,613 --> 01:00:18,915
a long time ago.

1490
01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:20,583
The shit they shuffle around every four years

1491
01:00:20,616 --> 01:00:23,219
[noise].

1492
01:00:23,252 --> 01:00:26,189
Doesn't mean a fucking thing.

1493
01:00:26,222 --> 01:00:27,523
And secondly I don't vote

1494
01:00:27,557 --> 01:00:29,292
cause I believe if you vote

1495
01:00:29,325 --> 01:00:32,161
you have no right to complain.

1496
01:00:32,195 --> 01:00:33,496
People like to twist that around

1497
01:00:33,529 --> 01:00:35,098
I know they say, they say,

1498
01:00:35,131 --> 01:00:37,133
Well if you don't vote you have no right to complain.

1499
01:00:37,166 --> 01:00:39,002
But where's the logic in that.

1500
01:00:39,035 --> 01:00:40,269
If you vote

1501
01:00:40,303 --> 01:00:42,672
and you elect dishonest, incompetent people

1502
01:00:42,705 --> 01:00:44,507
and they get into office and screw everything up

1503
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:46,976
well you are responsible for what they have done.

1504
01:00:47,010 --> 01:00:48,177
You caused the problem.

1505
01:00:48,211 --> 01:00:49,379
You voted them in.

1506
01:00:49,412 --> 01:00:50,580
You have no right to complain.

1507
01:00:50,613 --> 01:00:54,917
I on the other hand,

1508
01:00:54,951 --> 01:00:56,352
who did not vote,

1509
01:00:56,386 --> 01:00:57,987
who did not vote,

1510
01:00:58,021 --> 01:01:00,056
who in fact,

1511
01:01:00,089 --> 01:01:04,427
did not even leave the house on Election Day

1512
01:01:04,460 --> 01:01:05,895
am in no way responsible

1513
01:01:05,928 --> 01:01:07,163
for what these people have done

1514
01:01:07,196 --> 01:01:08,297
and have every right to complain

1515
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:09,499
as loud as I want

1516
01:01:09,532 --> 01:01:10,867
about the mess you created

1517
01:01:10,900 --> 01:01:12,402
that I had nothing to do with.

1518
01:01:12,435 --> 01:01:13,770
So I know that a little later on this year

1519
01:01:13,803 --> 01:01:15,805
you're going to have another one of those really swell

1520
01:01:15,838 --> 01:01:18,074
presidential elections that you like so much.

1521
01:01:18,107 --> 01:01:19,242
You'll enjoy yourselves.

1522
01:01:19,275 --> 01:01:20,877
It will be a lot of fun.

1523
01:01:20,910 --> 01:01:22,278
I'm sure as soon as the election is over

1524
01:01:22,311 --> 01:01:23,880
you're country will improve immediately.

1525
01:01:23,913 --> 01:01:25,348
As for me I'll be home on that day

1526
01:01:25,381 --> 01:01:27,250
doing essentially the same thing as you

1527
01:01:27,283 --> 01:01:28,785
the only difference is

1528
01:01:28,818 --> 01:01:30,820
when I get finished masturbating

1529
01:01:30,853 --> 01:01:34,357
I'm going to have a little something to show for it folks.

1530
01:01:34,390 --> 01:01:36,526
Thank you very much.

1531
01:01:36,559 --> 01:01:38,127
Thank you.

1532
01:01:43,299 --> 01:01:44,934
Thank you very much.

1533
01:01:44,967 --> 01:01:46,736
Thank you everybody.

1534
01:01:47,570 --> 01:01:49,439
See you later. See you later.